Blog

2023-04-04

DATING WITH HIV – DO I OR I DON’T SAY IT?

“My partner should just see me as a person”Dating, a partnership, love and a fulfilling sex life are just as possible for people with HIV as for people without HIV. In order to protect yourself and others from infection, only a few, but important, rules have to be observed - by everyone involved.

It doesn’t matter whether you’re newly in love, meeting a chat acquaintance or a one-night stand – the first date with a new partner is always exciting! After all, you never know exactly how the evening will end – or where. Don’t let the thought of HIV spoil your romance or fun!

This is of course easier said than done. Because as soon as it gets “serious”, whether emotionally or sexually, the question arises: Do I say it or don’t I say it? Many people with HIV worry about driving away a new partner or a new acquaintance with an HIV outing or at least making them unsure to the extent that another date is unlikely - not to mention intimacy.

There is no blanket answer

Of course, it helps that the risk of contracting HIV can be reduced to almost zero thanks to modern therapies.* This is enormous progress in treatment! However, this is not the only aspect of successful HIV therapy. Leading a self-determined life without restrictions - this thought also has room when deciding which treatment is best for you.

Talk openly with your doctor about your needs and whether your current treatment is still suitable for you and your life.

A need can be a new relationship, for example. Whether and when you address your HIV infection when dating is up to you. There is no general answer to this. The reactions and handling of such situations are far too individual for that. Of course, what the date is about also plays a role: getting to know each other, building trust, love, sex - non-binding or binding - or everything together.

Today, with good medication, it is perfectly safe for an HIV positive person to have sex. Young people who are now diagnosed can now quickly ensure that the virus is no longer detectable in them.

If I had to give one piece of advice to people who have just been diagnosed with HIV, it would be this: take a deep breath. Take your time and let it all sink in. Surround yourself with people you really trust and tell them about the diagnosis. At first glance, HIV feels like the beginning of the end, but that’s not true. The medication is now really good, for 17 years and hardly feel any side effects. Most importantly, don’t make it too difficult for yourself. Because life is too short to bother with the things that other people want to burden you with.

In which situations do people living with HIV who do not report their positive HIV status fear legal consequences and when do they not? What is the accusation?

People with HIV have to fear penal consequences above all if they conceal their infection and there is a risk of infection for their sexual partner. However, if a condom is used, it is made clear that such a risk for the partner is not wanted. It has also been known for some time that the risk of transmission to the sexual partner is significantly reduced if the viral load is stable below the detection limit*. In this case, too, there is no intent to infect the partner.

If there is a criminal investigation, the accusation is regularly (attempted) dangerous bodily harm.

What is the legal situation in other European countries?

The legal situation is very different in the European countries. A general statement cannot be made here. In principle, however, it can be said that in more or less all countries, including other European countries, (attempted) infection with HIV is prosecuted. In some countries, for example in Sweden, you have to inform your partner about the HIV infection before you have sex for the first time. If you don’t do that, you can be held accountable - regardless of whether you put your partner in danger or not. However, the situation varies from country to country. Here you have to inform yourself about the legal situation in the respective country.

Some statements:

…. (NO NAME) from South Africa lives with the virus since 2010

i am (NO NAME) from South Africa and im living with HIV since i was diagnosed in 2010. I didnt know til i was admitted in hospital due to menengitis thats when i got tested and diagnosed. I stayed in hospital for two weeks and my cd4 count was 84 with the viral load of over 1000. My late wife passed the same we were diagnosed and we have 3 kids, two handsome boys and a beautiful girl.

“I realised that there is more to live for, I fought for the sake of my kids”

It was hard at first to accept my status, i thought it was the end of the road for me cos i had no info about the disease. But after my late wife’s passing i realised that theres more to live for, i fought for my life for the sake of my kids that at least they must grow up at least with one of their parents. I eventually got back my strength and went back to work.

“My boss has been amazing after I disclose by giving support where I need it”

As time went by i had to learn to disclose to some people especially my friends and family. Every month i had to go to the health centre to collect my meds so to make things easy for myself at work for always having a day off every month was to disclose to my boss. She has been amazing after i disclose by giving support where i need it. So disclosing made me to slowly accept my status and start seeing things differently that this is not a death sentence.

“There are people who stigmatise us because of lack of info”

Living with HIV in South Africa is still somehow a bit hard socially cos there are people who stigmatise us because of lack of info. That happens especially in relationships were one is positive and the other is negative, i was once in that situation. I disclosed to my partner and our relationship started to have strain amd we ended up going our separate ways. So to stop myself from another i opted to look for someone who is also positive, someone who can relate to the situation that im in. Thats what i learn that we have to find love in people who are in the same situation as us.

“I saw that life goes on, this was not death sentence”

(NO NAME..) from South Africa was pregnant when she was tested positive

My name is (NO NAME) from South Africa. I tested positive in 2003 when I was pregnant with my daughter. It was very hard for me to accept my status as I had been with 1 person. I remained to be in denial but tried to live positively and wanted to live for my kids until April 2015 when I decided to go to my nearest clinic to check my status as I have seen people dying around me.

“Sometimes it is hard to meet people who are HIV- and tell them about your status as in their minds they already think u dying”

I did tests again and my results came back and my Cd4 was 205 and was given treatment immediately. Sometimes its hard to meet people who are HIV- and tell them about your status as in their minds they already think u dying and even finding people who are HIV+ it becomes so hard because you thinking since we have the same issues things will be ok.

“A friend introduced me to a dating site where I met someone. It is possible to find love”

I gave up on dating because I was tired of explaining myself until a friend introduced me to a dating site where I met someone who didnt judge me but is willing to give the relationship a chance. It is possible to live a positive life and find love so never give up because of your status.

If you are HIV-positive and want to write a guest post like this in english or german, we are looking forward for your feedback - send us a private message.