Blog

2022-11-06

Communication Part I

So you’re trying to get to know someone.

Email, dating sites and instant-messaging services may make it more convenient to communicate with our friends and family, but it can be hard to get to know a new person when you aren’t speaking face-to-face. More and more people are meeting their friends, partners, and spouses on the Internet, and here’s the thing: it’s awkward for everyone! Be curious, but not pushy; relax, and try to be yourself.

Stop thinking so much about it. If you’re trying to get to know someone (and, perhaps, to woo them), the goal of these first few online conversations is to help them understand who you are as a person. You want to be yourself, and a script will only get you so far.

Striking up a conversation online is hard for almost everyone. You’re not the first, and you won’t be the last.
Worst case, it’ll be a learning experience. Best case, you’ll connect with somebody in a deep way. Neither case applies until you try.

Pick a convenient time. Try to message the person when they’re online. It may be easier to get a conversation going in real-time than to count on someone to respond later on.

Pick a time when you don’t have anywhere to be. You don’t want to be stressed-out, and you want to give the conversation a chance to grow.

Start small. Send the person a short message and ask them how they’re doing. A “Hey. How’s it going?” will do. You may find that you feel much looser once you get the conversation going–there’s no turning back now!

They will likely respond with how they’re doing, then ask you how you’re doing. Be prepared to say how you’re doing.
Avoid dead-end answers like “I’m good.” Anyone can be “good”. Respond with something that tells your conversation partner about who you are, such as “I’m good! My friend and I explored this abandoned house up in the hills today. It was really cool but super spooky” or “My dance team just made it to nationals. I’m so excited!”
Mention things that make you seem interesting, but avoid bragging.

Ask about a common interest. This is a classic, tried-and-true conversation opener. If you’re in a class together, ask what the homework assignment is. If you’re in a club together, ask about an upcoming club event. This can break the ice in a very natural way, opening the gates to a deeper talk.

Try something like this: “Hey- I completely blanked and forgot to write down the homework for English today. Did you happen to get it?”
Or this: “Hey, do you know when our next track meet is? I must have tuned out when coach announced it during practice today…”

Ask a question. If you’ve met someone on a dating site like Bantu or a dating app, then you probably don’t have any real-life connections to talk about. Ask the person an open-ended question about themselves. Take your inspiration from their profile.

For example: “I see you’re into hip hop. Been to any good shows lately?”
Or: “I dig your beard. How long have you been growing that sucker?”

Be careful with stock pickup lines. Pickup lines can backfire: they work on some people, but they turn off others. These lines can come across as cheesy or manipulative, especially if they aren’t something that you thought of yourself. Try to come across as genuine, and if that includes a pickup line–then you do you!

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