Blog

2024-03-04

Cheated….

Have you been cheated on? Then you’re probably in shock - or at least it feels like the world has ended. In the next few lines we’ll take care of at least lighting a small light at the end of the tunnel.
What you can specifically do to bring your feelings back into balance. After that, you’ll have to make a few decisions about your relationship, but don’t worry, I’ll help you here too. Ideally, you will eventually be able to come to terms with the fact that you have been cheated on. But you can give yourself some time for that!
What now?
Immediately after an affair is discovered is not the time to start processing it. You can give yourself time and space to allow the pain, to take the grief and all your fears seriously. Your world is shattered into a thousand pieces. It’s inevitable that this feels horrible right now.

Your relationship as it was no longer exists and you have to get over that first. Grief is part of this phase. Likewise anger, jealousy and thoughts of revenge. Try to calm yourself in the initial shock. Breathe deeply, open a bottle of red wine (that’s what I would do), listen to heartbreak music and keep the whole thing to yourself for now.

Smart or not so smart advice from friends can make it worse. Reach out to someone you can trust to support YOUR goals, not their own. A friend who is still suffering from her (ex) husband’s infidelity would be the worst choice right now.

Not better yet?

My answer: “How do you eat an elephant?” Piece by piece.”

If you’ve been cheated on, you can’t deal with the drama straight away. 
Some go through the process more quickly, others take longer and others have to pause the program for a while because they can’t get over a certain hurdle and then continue again later. Everything is OK. It hurts and you can’t stop it so quickly. Allow the pain to be there.

Give yourself time. From drama to lightness it’s a long way that you can’t even hop. You can remove yourself from the drama with small and sometimes larger steps. To do this, you can find thoughts that feel just a little bit better than the ones you’re currently thinking.

If you are completely desperate at the moment and start to think: “Everything is fine, I am loved and my relationship is great,” your head will not believe it. If you instead think, “I’m feeling catastrophic right now and I don’t know what’s going to happen next, but there’s a chance I can manage it somehow,” that sounds more believable to your head. So start small

Conversations with your partner
If you’re lucky, your partner will be willing to answer your nagging questions without revealing painful details and telling you more than you need to know. If he/she shows genuine remorse, it doesn’t undo the matter, but at least you feel like you’re being taken seriously.

Unfortunately, I often have people in coaching whose partners are not understanding, but rather annoyed and dismissive and often show no interest in working on the injuries together. Then it will be twice as difficult to process the fraud. But it is still doable. If your partner isn’t there for you during such a difficult time, you can think about how you can cope with it on your own or get help.

After the initial shock, you will probably be incredibly angry. You’re almost certainly thinking about revenge. This is also part of the process and is allowed to be that way. Tell your partner how you feel, but avoid acting on that energy. Forbid yourself from real acts of revenge, they will boomerang and are guaranteed to come back to you sooner or later.

Listening or Interrogating?
Although it may feel like it right now: your partner is not a criminal and you are not a detective. Don’t turn your living room into an interrogation room. You can ask helpful questions or ones that are counterproductive and only hurt you more (e.g. the dirty details ones).

Helpful questions include:

What significance did the affair have for you?
Did you start the affair consciously or did it just happen?
Did you feel guilty?
How did you feel when you came to my house?
Was there anything you missed in our relationship – physical or emotional? Did you get it there?
Was your affair able to fulfill certain sexual needs that you didn’t dare mention to me?
Do you feel like we have relationship problems? If yes, which?
Do you want to stay with me or are you thinking about breaking up? 

Self-hatred and self-pity
Maybe you’re one of those women or men who blames themselves for the mess. In this case, you are not only angry at your partner, but especially at yourself. Your self-esteem is at rock bottom and you judge yourself. You think things like:

Why didn’t I notice?
How could I be so stupid?
What does the other person have that I don’t have?
I’m not good enough, otherwise he/she wouldn’t have done this.
He/she doesn’t love me anymore and definitely wants a separation.
If someone cheats, it means the other hasn’t given them what they need.
Is the other person better in bed than me?
Etc…

But: It’s not about whether the other person was better or worse in bed than you. By asking questions, you’re just torturing yourself. You’re unique. To avoid sinking into self-pity, it’s best to focus on your own strengths. Write down why you are (still) a great partner.

Separate behavior from personality: You have been cheated on, but you still have a lovely personality. You don’t define your identity by your partner’s behavior. Don’t call yourself a “dupe.” Don’t sink into the role of victim. And don’t make your partner the perpetrator who now has power over your feelings. Your partner lied to you and betrayed you, but he/she is not inherently a bad person.

Be patient with yourself. Like with a small child who is just learning to walk. It probably hits you in the face regularly. Encourage yourself and get back up. Take the next step and treat yourself with love.

take responsibility
“What? Now am I supposed to blame myself for the fact that my partner cheated on me?

Of course not! I never talk about guilt. If you want to have a happy and relaxed life, you can throw that word out forever. I’m talking about responsibility.

It’s up to you to decide whether the affair or the affair is and remains a huge drama. Yes, I know that’s not what you want to hear. You think it’s a drama and there’s nothing you can do about it. You think it’s your unfaithful partner’s fault that you’re feeling bad.

That’s true to a large extent. But if your partner is solely responsible, only he/she can change it. This leaves you completely at the mercy and powerless. Take responsibility for your life, for your feelings, and for your messes. Because only then do you have the power to change something.

Your part in the mess
If you have been cheated on, it always has to do with you. Things don’t happen by chance in your life. If it hits you, it BE-hits you too. This is closely related to your personal responsibility. The vibration of “being cheated on” is somehow around you.

Ask yourself a few honest questions:

Where am I cheating (or lying) to myself?
Where am I cheating (or lying) myself? The tax office? The boss? The mother in law?
How many lies and deception do I see in the world? In the media?
Do I trust our state? The politicians? The tax office?
What is my general image of men and women?
Do I like getting caught up in infidelity stories?
Or am I an unpleasant moral apostle? Then life gives you the opportunity to rethink it ;-). (And yes, everyone finds it sickening to start with themselves.)
Compare & self-esteem
When you compare yourself with your rival, you suffer. Is he/she younger, slimmer, more beautiful or better in bed? The less confident you are in yourself, the greater your self-doubt, the greater your pain. The lover is not the problem. Although it would be nice - and easy - to be able to blame the other man/woman entirely.

Your identity falls into a deep crisis if you define yourself primarily through your relationship or if you are emotionally dependent on your partner’s love. Then you now became painfully aware that you are not the only one, the most beautiful, the greatest, the best. You realize that you are replaceable. And that hurts.

Therefore: recognize your uniqueness. Your partner can only love YOU the way he/she loves YOU. Every other person gets a DIFFERENT love from your partner (or a different sex). Every love is exclusive. You also love your children differently and your parents and your friends.

How is your relationship going?
At some point you will have to make a decision about what happens to you both in the future. Does it make sense to forgive him/her? Are you ready to walk this rocky and long road together? Do you want to save your relationship?

Maybe you have children, a house, a dog, a shared business or a shared life’s work. Then it’s not so easy to say: “Throw your ass out!” He doesn’t deserve you!” Dealing with adultery isn’t easy, but for many couples it makes more sense than throwing in the towel straight away.

Maybe you love your partner and want to stay with him/her. Even then, condemnations and moral accusations are not helpful. Try to understand the reasons for his/her cheating, then it will become clear whether your relationship can be rebuilt.

“My husband/wife cheated on me and I can’t forget it,” I hear regularly from clients or Back to Love participants and members in the membership. The point is not to forget it. You never will.

Realize that you have a common crisis that you can overcome, and you will stop suffering much faster. I know it’s not easy, but you still have no choice, right? Unless you break up immediately. But even then, there is no guarantee that this will never happen to you again.

get out of suffering
Your ideal world has broken into a thousand shards and you want nothing more than to be happy again? Then you can slowly direct your thoughts in a different direction.

The thought, “How could he/she do this to me?” is normal, but not helpful. Find a thought that feels a little better. Here are a few examples to try out:

Everything has a meaning, even if I can’t see it yet.
I make the decision: “Get out of the drama!” Even if I still have no idea how.
I know that coming to terms with such an experience has several phases and I accept where I am, even if it feels uncomfortable at the moment.
Every situation has to do with me. If I accept that, I can change them too.
I feel the pain and look forward to the time when I/we overcome the drama.
I value my partner very much and love him/her even with his/her flaws.
Even if I can’t forgive now, I know one day I can.
An affair could have happened to me too. Nobody is immune to it forever.
I realize that such situations are a great opportunity for further development.
My big heart tells me that love always wins, even if I have been cheated on.
I want to love, be generous, be able to treat, relax and trust completely again.
My wish for our future is that we are happier than we have ever been because we have learned a lot.
We can talk openly and honestly about our feelings and take the time to do so.
Realigning your thoughts is a matter of practice and takes time. Ideally, you write down your newly chosen thoughts and specific wishes. Then they aren’t so fleeting and you don’t immediately fall back into the original drama. With this exercise you will learn step by step to direct your thoughts in a direction that is good for you and enables healing.